Matthew's Choice
by luluathome
Summary: A/U. What if Matthew rejected Lavinia's reappearance at DA when Cora advised her to come back. I was always dissatified with Matthew's acceptance in canon. He looked displeased, but JF never really explained. I think he should have sent her packing.
1. Matthew Takes Charge

Matthew felt trapped, duped, manipulated. He did not ask for Lavinia to come back. Indeed, he had been quite adamant in releasing her. He could not give her a life, he could not walk, he could not care for himself in the most intimate ways, he could not be a proper husband… he could not be a lover; he could not give her children. Those were his reasons then and were his reasons now.

And as if he needed more rationale, he realized he had not really missed her since she went away.

Was he to just sit here and acquiesce to her sudden re-appearance in his life? He couldn't walk, but he still had his mind and his heart and it was for him to decide. Not for Lavinia or Cora or his mother or anyone else to determine that Lavinia should come back into his life. Oh he was angry.

His disability was great indeed, but it didn't include his knowing his own mind and that was what particularly angered him. He was being dismissed; his own wishes were being disregarded. That is all he had left. He was enraged.

Lavinia said she loved him and she wasn't going to leave this time. As if it was only her feelings that mattered. She looked so resolved. So loving, so committed.

Oh how he hated her in that moment. He scowled furiously.

Lavinia anticipating his feelings, sought to quell them by quickly adding,"It's because I love you. I won't let you bully me again, I am strong, and this is what I want. I love you; I will take care of you. You won't send me away again."

Again, what she wants, as if what he wanted didn't matter and didn't factor into the equation.

Matthew was even more enraged with her explanation and retorted more forcefully than perhaps he intended, "And what about I want, what I feel? Does that not matter? I may be a cripple, I may be unable to attend to the most basic intimate needs of my body, but my mind is intact. I know what I want, and I don't want a care taker, I don't want that for you." He ended more softly, realizing his words were unnecessarily harsh for her well meaning intent.

"Matthew, please!" Lavinia pleaded. "I care for you. I want to be with you. I realize this is something you never planned for or intended for us, for me, but I can bear it, I can! These last few months away from you, I've come to realize and to know absolutely, that I want to be with you under any circumstance."

Matthew understood and loved her resolve, but he didn't love her. Not that he'd realized this before this moment. He hadn't really thought about it before now, since she had left.

He didn't want to hurt her anymore than he already had, but he wouldn't be forced into a partnership that he didn't want. Not now. He was resolved. He wouldn't take pity on her wishes, her desires.

How could he allow her to tie herself to someone so in need of a lifetime of demanding, unyielding care, when he wouldn't return her love? It was unfair. She needed to understand that although he had originally released her because he didn't want to commit her to a life of a nursemaid, without a proper husband, without children, now he knew, he didn't love her as he once did. Why should she settle?

The injury if anything had brought that to the surface, that although he admired Lavinia and her qualities very much, they were not of the sort that would sustain a lifelong loving companionship… and that is all that they would have now.

He began to explain, "Lavinia, I do appreciate your sentiments and your commitment to caring for me. If you were to spend your life with me, you would be a nursemaid and caretaker first, on constant call and support to a man who couldn't return even the most basic of care back to you. I cannot accept this from you. I know you feel love for me and you believe that it would be enough, but it wouldn't. I know this for a fact, you must believe me."

"Matthew, it would be enough because I love you." Lavinia responded firmly.

Matthew felt again that he wasn't being properly heard, so he resolved to speak more frankly in an effort to be understood. "If I were to allow you to commit yourself to me in this way, which I can hardly think who I could allow such a commitment, I would surely demand that I was committed to that person at the same level that they were committed to me."

"I am sure I don't understand." Lavinia responded to such an uncertain circle of thought.

"Quite right, I am trying to find the words to convey my feelings, let me begin again; I do appreciate your resolve. But I know that if I was to allow you to commit yourself to me in this manner, I should at least mirror your feelings and commitment and that is the point at which I find I cannot satisfy."

Lavinia again looked confused. Matthew was more direct, "I do not love you enough to allow you to commit your life to me in this way. It is unfair. It wouldn't be right. You are young. You will find someone who can not only give you their whole life and love you without reservation."

Lavinia processed this last clarification and responded slowly, "Oh, I see. Surely this is another way to bully me into leaving you?"

Matthew irritated at the extended clarification and emphasis required to make his point, responded again in a more forceful manner than he intended, "My intent is not to bully, quite the contrary, I wish to make my feeling known in as graceful way as possible. Please know that I speak quite plainly."

Lavinia frowned; feeling quite hurt, but began again, "I said I will not be bullied. I am resolved, I will care for you."

"No! You will not. I am not bullying you. I am speaking plainly. I do not want you here. I cannot make you happy. I will not allow you to care for me. I wish you to leave." Matthew said forcefully and firmly. He did not wish to be harsh, but knew he must be for her to accept his decision.

Lavinia composed herself as his plain words sunk in. "I understand. Please know I only want the best for you and supposed I would be able to provide that for you, but I see now I was misguided. I will leave you now and return to London on the morning train." Tears pooled in her eyes as she quickly made leave.


	2. Plan B

**A/N – so Richard's plan failed, whatever will he do now. I watched those scenes tonight preparing for this chapter and I think both Matthew and Mary fell to Lavinia and Richard, Matthew I got the first time through, but go back and watch Mary as she lets Richard kiss after that obnoxious threat and then he says something like "Don't ever" and She responds "ok." It as if Matthew and Mary have both given up. It's so desperately sad.**

"Sir Richard!" Lavinia exclaimed as she registered who was approaching her in her haste to make her way upstairs to her room.

"Ah Lavinia, how did you find Matthew?" Richard inquired hopefully.

"Unchanged." Lavinia reluctantly replied.

"How unfortunate. I do hope you impressed upon him your resolve to care for him." Richard replied trying to convey the appropriate amount of empathy and encouragement.

"Yes, well, I think he wasn't rather of the mind to wonder about my resolution at all." Lavinia despaired.

"I see, is he quite decided? Perhaps he may see things differently in the morning." He encouraged.

"You know I wonder why I was invited at all. I wonder if I have a full understanding of what I was supposed to accomplish. I think this was rather a desperate idea." Lavinia accused.

"Yes, it is a desperate situation, you've seen yourself how despondent Matthew is, and he isn't in his right mind. He dwells on his injuries as if his whole world has been taken from him. He needs to be reminded and shown how much he is cared for. What he has to live for."

Lavinia fell silent, so Richard pressed, summoning his best encouraging tone, "Give it time. He was unprepared to see you. I see we may have been wrong in not telling him, otherwise, he would have had time to reflect and anticipate seeing you again. Talk to him tomorrow. Take him out for some fresh air; give yourselves the chance to enjoy each other's company. He'll remember what you are to him. You'll see." Richard smiled encouragingly.

As she processed Richard's words, it dawned on her that her instincts might indeed be right; she was a pawn in a battle to win a bigger prize. Old insecurities came rushing back as she realized the prize was Mary, and the obstacle was Matthew.

"Sir Richard," she began finding her voice and her self-preservation, "I don't know what kind of fool you think I am. Perhaps my unfortunate past dealings with you to protect my father left you with an impression that I could be toyed with to your ends, but I assure you, I am no fool. I do love Matthew and I would care for him for the rest of our lives, but he does not want that, he does not want me, he does not love me. I will not force myself on him. He has made his feelings on this matter quite clear. Now if you'll excuse, I find myself rather tired."

Richard watched as Lavinia disappeared upstairs. He cursed under his breath. And with that curse, he realized his next move. He quickly made his way to Matthew's bedroom.

Finding himself outside of Matthew's bedroom, he didn't hesitate and knocked firmly.

Matthew was settled in bed and on hearing the knock, answered hesitantly, "Who is there?"

Richard gathered his emotions and replied coolly, "Richard Carlisle, may I come in?"

Matthew was annoyed, had he ever really had a conversation with this man, and what could he possibly want now at this inconvenient time? Nevertheless he said, "Do come in."

Upon entering and seeing Matthew in bed, obviously incapable of changing his situation, Richard felt even more smug and superior than he already did. He succeeded in standing taller and more upright than was his natural stature.

"Sir Richard, I can't think as to what might bring you here." Matthew said with a tone of accusation and annoyance.

Richard began, "I suppose that is true. I wonder if you understand my desire to marry your cousin Mary."

Matthew visibly scoffed, "Well, if you mean that I understand that you are engaged to Mary, then you are quite wrong. I am fully apprised of your engagement. I congratulate you, Mary is a wonderful girl."

"Yes, of course, you know that. I didn't mean to imply that, but I wonder if you realize my resolve. I will not be jilted; I will not be made a fool." Richard sneered.

Matthew looked confused, "I don't think I understand your implication. You are engaged to Mary, you will be married. That is my understanding. Is there something else I am missing?"

"You and Mary spend a great deal of time together. Indeed, it rather appears she is your primary caretaker, confident."

It sounded like an accusation, so Matthew clarified, "If you mean that Mary and I are friends and that we enjoy each other's company, than you would be right."

"Friends, yes. But you did love her, you did propose to her."

Matthew felt stung, but persevered "I did love her, but she didn't accept me. Surely you know the whole of the story."

"I do indeed, but perhaps, you do not." Richard said with a bit of satisfaction. He didn't intend to tell Matthew about Pamuk, but he didn't mind leaving a little seed of distrust in Matthew's opinion of Mary. He rather liked leaving Matthew with the thought that Mary shared with him something she had not shared with Matthew.

Matthew cursed under his breath. He was enraged that he couldn't get out his bed and confront this detestable man properly. Why was Mary engaged to him?

Richard continued, "Let me get to the point. I see how Mary cares for you, how she dotes on you. I wonder if it doesn't enter into her generous mind that she must be there for you always. As her cousin, she cares for you a great deal. Well who could blame her? The future Earl, someone she looks up to, admires, I wonder if she imagines that she should make herself available to you absolutely…" Richard stopped to let his words sink in.

"I wouldn't let Mary commit her life to me. She knows that. I want her to have a full and happy life, with a future and children. I can't give her that. She is engaged to you. You must understand that that is the only reason I allow her to spend time with me. If I thought for one moment that she intended to dedicate her life to me, I wouldn't let her near me. "

So they had talked about it, Richard sneered inwardly.

"I am encouraged to hear of your resolve, but I daresay, I am not sure that Mary sees things quite as clearly as you. I regrettably think she has ideas, admirable ones indeed, but impractical. She cares for you. She wants you to be happy. I feel her desire to see you happy, may encourage her to throw over her own needs. You see what I am saying?" Richard implored.

Matthew retorted with more certainty than he felt, "Mary has no such ideas. Above all else, she is a practical girl; she wouldn't seriously consider anything so contrary to her own nature. She will marry you, you can have no doubt. Now, if you don't mind, I am really rather tired."

"Goodnight." And with that Richard left Matthew's bedroom smug with the conclusion that Matthew knew exactly what to do.

**A/ N so this is a fun little adventure. Since Matthew threw Lavinia out once again, Richard's neat little plan is foiled, so he regroups, makes for a nice little A/U fantasy.**


	3. Plainly Speaking

**A/N – Matthew while broken physically, is pulling himself together emotionally. Mary is confused and needs reassurance.**

Mary was stunned, unsettled, and unbelievably sad as she sat at her dressing table in the sanctuary of her bedroom as Anna brushed out her hair.

She was stunned that Lavinia had suddenly appeared as if out of thin air. Mary felt as if a chair had been pulled out from under her and she had slammed down hard on the floor, bruising her tail bone. Lavinia had unbelievably walked into the dining room at Downton and Mary felt she was in a dream, a bad dream.

Why was she here, did anyone expect her? Mary was terribly unsettled.

Matthew surely would have told her if he had known Lavinia was coming. And as her eyes had immediately sought him out as Lavinia entered the room, she knew he hadn't been expecting her. Indeed he had looked as shocked as she felt.

Mary saw that Lavinia believed she was expected. But she also saw that Lavinia was unsure as she sought reassurance immediately upon scanning the room. Silence had immediately filled the once lively space. Then, in a moment, all present had sensed the discomfort and responded graciously to her entrance as their collective good breeding sought to make her feel welcome.

But why was she here? Certainly Richard must have been involved after all he brought her back with him on the train.

"Will that be all milady?" Anna asked, jolting Mary out of her own head. "Oh Anna. I am sorry; I am rather gathered in my own thoughts. Thank you. That will be all. Goodnight."

"Goodnight to you milady. The morning will bring a fresh perspective. It always does." Anna replied with warmth.

"I do hope so Anna. Thank you."

As Mary climbed into bed, she thought back to likely suspects; Isobel… Papa… Mama and her thoughts stopped there. Mama had not looked surprised, rather she looked guilty and something else… she looked resolved. Mary had seen that look many times on her mother's face, usually when she was encouraging Mary to do things for "her own good."

How could you Mama? She thought.

Mary's thoughts drifted to Richard and she felt unbelievably sad. Richard, her fiancé, had actually threatened her! Threatened her! She supposed she had given him that power, but she never really imagined he'd actually use it. One minute, she was talking to him as a confident sharing her concerns about Matthew in light of Lavinia's return and the next thing she knew, he was hissing at her as if he were a snake. And then he had kissed her. Technically it was a kiss, but it felt more like a dog marking his territory. It was too horrible.

Mary did indeed awake with a fresh perspective. She was still unsettled and uncertain, but she was looking forward to a conversation with Matthew to help her sort it all out. She was a little concerned about what may have transpired between Matthew and Lavinia privately, but she reassured herself that she and Matthew had formed a strong bond, one that would allow them to speak openly and candidly about this turn of events.

With those thoughts in mind, as was her usual routine, she headed down to Matthew's bedroom, to escort him to breakfast.

Outside of Matthew's bedroom, Mary knocked her arrival. "Good morning Matthew", she said in her best voice. There was no answer. She knocked again, "Matthew, its Mary." Again, no answer. Mary grabbed the door knob and twisted, the door opened and she saw that the room was empty. Matthew's bed was already made. It felt as if the room had been empty for some time. Mary closed the door and headed now for the dining room, feeling more unsettled with each passing moment.

As she entered the dining room, her eyes made quick work of scanning the dining room. Papa, Edith, Sybil. Matthew was not here either. Her heart dropped.

"Good morning Mary" Sybil greeted her. "Good morning." Mary replied taking her usual morning seat at the table.

Carson made haste to pour Mary some tea. "Thank you Carson."

"Would you like some toast, Lady Mary?"

"Yes Carson that would be lovely." Mary said, realizing she was famished.

As she sipped her tea, a panic began to rise in her throat. Where was Matthew? How odd, she had been taking him into breakfast for weeks now, it was their routine. Was all that changed in a single evening? Lavinia was back, Richard had threatened her and Matthew was nowhere to be found. She lamented that their recently found intimacy seemed to be unraveled in an instant. Sheer panic ran through her veins. She felt ready to burst into tears. She had been holding her emotions in check since last evening, but she feared she had reached her limit.

Carson placed a plate of toast in front of Mary. "Can I get you anything else?" Carson inquired. "Thank you, no, this will be fine." Replied Mary carefully.

Edith had been watching Mary and noted her fragile state, "Have you spoken with Lavinia?"

Mary looked up and glared at Edith, rebuking her for her unwelcome inquiry, "No. I haven't." then added, taking advantage of the opening, "Did you?"

Edith smiled, displaying her win, "No I am afraid, I didn't have the pleasure."

"I didn't get a chance to speak with Lavinia either." Sybil joined in innocently.

"I daresay it was quite a surprise." Robert stated. "I wonder Matthew's feelings on the matter." And as if just realizing that Matthew hadn't come in with Mary, Robert queried, "Where is Matthew?"

Mary had nearly reached her breaking point, she willed herself to contain her frail emotional state. "I'm not sure. I went to fetch him, but he wasn't in his room. I thought perhaps he had already had breakfast."

"Hmmm, well not since I've been here. Maybe he sent for a tray." Robert said, observing Mary's obvious discomfort.

"Perhaps you are right." Mary said with as much composure as she could manage. She finished the last bit of toast and drained her tea. Standing up to depart, she said "It's a lovely morning; I think I shall take a walk."

Mary found herself outside heading directly for their bench. They had lately been spending a lot of time there and Mary was hopeful that this is where she would at last find Matthew.

As she approached the tree, she strained to see if Matthew was there. He was there! He was alone. She felt herself calming. Matthew was here, she would be able to talk to him, he would help her to settle.

"There you are" she sang, announcing her arrival.

As she approached, Matthew greeted her with a warm smile. "Good morning. I am sorry to have left you in a lurch." He immediately apologized for breaking their routine. How beautiful she looked, as always, but he did note the stress in her face and in her posture. He wasn't surprised, but he was concerned. So much had happened in the last 12 hours.

"I am quite impressed that you made it all this way on your own. Soon you won't need me at all." She teased.

Matthew didn't respond directly. Instead, he changed the subject. "I am glad you found me, I was hoping you would. You see I didn't want to take breakfast with everyone, I didn't want to feel compelled to put everyone at ease about Lavinia."

"I understand." Mary replied as she sat down on the bench close to Matthew's chair. She was feeling much calmed at his openness and that he had for all intense and purposes been waiting for her to find him. She felt nothing had changed between them and she was happy.

"You don't need to explain anything to me Matthew. It was a shock to see Lavinia and I am sure you need to process your feelings on the matter."

"Well, you see, that's the thing. I don't need time; I know perfectly how I feel on the matter. I am quite unchanged. Lavinia left on this morning's train."

Mary was pleasantly shocked with Lavinia's swift departure, and also quite pleased with Matthew's resolve. "I hope it wasn't too unpleasant." She queried.

"Nothing that will linger. I made myself quite plain. I think she understood and in the end, she will be better off, I am certain. I do feel sorry though that she made her way under what I fear was false pretenses. She was led here under forces not of her own making." Matthew sighed.

"Oh?" Mary breathed, anticipating where Matthew was leading.

Matthew changed course, "Richard came to see me last night."

"Richard? Whatever for?" Mary said as fear began to rise in her chest.

"He wasn't well intentioned, that much was clear. His intent I think was an effort to manipulate me into breaking off my friendship with you."

Mary heart began to race even more, she pleaded inwardly, please don't let him know about Pamuk. `

Matthew noted Mary's discomfort and said softly, "I will not be manipulated Mary. You are my dearest friend; I will not give that up." Matthew smiled warmly and looked at Mary directly, his piercing blue eyes meeting hers, willing her to understand the depth of his meaning.

She was warmed and comforted and soothed. How could she have doubted him? She returned his gaze with as much understanding and thankfulness as she could possibly convey.

Feeling content that they had reaffirmed their bond, Matthew continued needing to get it all in the open. "Mary, I think Richard came to me because he feels that you intend to break your engagement. He thinks you will break your engagement because of me."

"I have given him no reason to believe that." Mary defended. _Except that I love you with every fiber of my being she thought bitterly._

"He has observed the time we spend together, the time you take to care for me. It concerns him. It's why he summoned Lavinia, to provide a distraction, a love interest." Matthew chose his words specifically so that she would clearly understand.

"You are my cousin, my father's heir, my dearest friend; I would not care for you with any less attention. He must understand that as the future head of my family, I could treat you with no less regard." Mary implored, taking Matthew's hand pressing it gently between her own to reinforce her feelings.

Matthew felt her regard and smiled as he enjoyed her warm embrace of his hand. "Mary, I have a few things more to clarify. I hope I am not too forward, but I want to make myself plain. Were it not for my injury, I would be giving Richard a challenge for your affections. But as it is, I am resolved that I am not a whole man and cannot offer any woman and especially you a happy married life. I am quite committed to that thought and if I felt you believed otherwise, I would not allow you in my life. It wouldn't be fair to you. I ask that you acknowledge my feelings on this matter." Matthew looked directly at Mary for confirmation.

Mary still held Matthew's hand in hers, hearing his words and while wishing his sentiments weren't so obviously resolved, responded affirmatively, "Matthew, you must know I care for you a great deal and there is so much I wish was different between us, but I realize the limitations of your feelings and I accept that. What I couldn't accept is not being a part of your life at all. So yes, I acknowledge and respect your feelings on this subject."

Matthew was satisfied on this point, so he continued to his last issue, "Mary, why are you engaged to Richard Carlisle. I can't find a redeeming quality in the man. I know what a discerning heart you have, so I must admit I cannot satisfy myself that this is good match for you?"

Mary was stunned at Matthew's directness. She hesitated, trying to find a defense for this impossible match. She failed…

**A/N So I feel that if Matthew found his voice and resolve to stand up to Lavinia, he would stand up to Richard and not be a pawn in his manipulative attempts. Matthew and Mary still have things to work through and for, but miscommunication is no longer one of their issues. Reviews much appreciated, it does help the creative process. And oh, if the scene breaks don't translate to my upload this time, somebody please tell me how to do it.**


	4. Clarity

**A/N – **

"Carson informs me that Lavinia took the morning train back to London. I guess Matthew wasn't pleased to see her?" Robert said looking somewhat smugly at his wife as she moved her breakfast tray over to the other side of the bed from where she lay.

Sighing, Cora responded, "I wonder if Mary didn't make herself so available to Matthew, things might be different." She looked up at him with a sideways turn of her head, her face mirroring his smug look.

"You forget that Matthew sent Lavinia away before…" Robert dropped the last of the sentence realizing the he was going to imply that Matthew and Mary had renewed their attachment.

Cora seized on it still reeling from Robert's cruel assessment of her intentions the night before… _you can be curiously unfeeling. _"And there it is… Richard is right to be concerned, I am right to be concerned. Mary is attached to Matthew in a way that is most unhealthy. She is engaged to Richard, yet she spends every moment of the day caring for Matthew."

"Cora you forget that Matthew is a member of this family, he is my heir and Mary's cousin. It is appropriate that Mary cares for him. If it were Sybil or Edith or even Cousin Isobel, would you find that unhealthy as well?"

"Robert, really, do you hear yourself? Of course there would be no question or concern if Mary were caring for Sybil or Edith or Cousin Isobel. But Matthew is different and you know it." Cora challenged.

Robert looked and away sighing, trying to reconcile his desire for Mary and Matthew to be together and his rational thought that no it couldn't be.

"I know you wish things were different. I do too Robert, I do. I love Matthew. I see Mary's attachment to him. I see how happy and at ease they are with each other. It breaks my heart, but it can't be. Matthew does not want to tie anyone to him. Mary is promised to Richard. It is impossible. Nothing can come of this except that Mary misses out on possibly her last chance at marriage. We must consider that, we must ensure Mary's future." Cora implored.

Robert walked around to the side of the bed where Cora still lay, "I understand your motives and I am sorry to have scolded you for your well intentioned intrigue. But I am not as convinced as you that things are that black and white." He bent down and gently kissed Cora on the lips. "I should like to continue this discussion later if you don't mind."

Cora entered Mary's room as Mary finished dressing for dinner. "Mary, you look beautiful tonight, I've always loved that dress on you, red suites you."

"Thank you Mama." Mary said as she pulled her last glove up over her arm.

Cora noted that Mary's seemed particularly happy and wondered if she was feeling encouraged that Matthew had rejected Lavinia once again; she determined to press her agenda. "I gather you know it was I who invited Lavinia to visit us."

"I do, and I can't imagine why you would make such an effort?"

"Mary, I know you care for Matthew a great deal and I see that he returns your affection. But you are engaged to marry Sir Richard." Cora explained.

"Really, I don't see the big fuss. Of course, I know I am engaged to Richard. I am the one who accepted him, you might remember." Exasperated, she continued, "Matthew is my cousin, I care for him deeply. He needs care, his body has failed him and his mind is only lately coming to terms with that. I like to think that my attention to his care is partially responsible for that. Surely you can see that is a good thing." She looked at her mother challengingly.

"We all want Matthew well Mary." Cora said with obvious impatience. "And it is admirable that you have taken such good care of him, but I caution you to remember your duty and your responsibilities."

"Oh Mama, please." Mary mirrored Cora's impatience.

Richard was furious that Matthew was seated next to Mary at dinner and the he was seated at the farthest possible seat from them, next to the Dowager Countess on one side and Lady Sybil on the other. At Haxby he soothed himself; he would ensure that he had final review of all seating arrangements.

"When are you returning to London Sir Richard?" Lady Sybil attempted to engage her somewhat frightening and soon to be brother in law.

"I'm not sure. I had intended to return tomorrow morning, but I find I am quite enjoying the reprieve Downton provides." Richard lied, his faced turned in Sybil's direction, but his eyes fixed on Mary and Matthew's conversation. They seemed as much as ease as ever. Laughing and whispering to each other as if no one else was present in the room. He was positively enraged, hadn't he explained himself plainly to Mary. Hadn't he painted the picture for Matthew clearly? He was not accustomed to being ignored; he steeled himself to contain his anger.

The Dowager Countess broke his thoughts, "What a coincidence for you to run into Miss Swire on the train. I wonder did you know she was coming to Downton for a visit."

Richard took a moment, replying dryly, "Certainly not, I was as surprised as all of you. I can't think what she hoped to accomplish, but she clearly was under the impression that she was expected."

"Yes, rather like a lamb that is to be slaughtered at the altar." She replied airily.

As the men joined the ladies in the drawing room, Richard sought out Mary finding her engaged and seated next to Sybil. They seemed to be engrossed in conversation, and as they sensed Richard's approach, Mary broke from her sister and stood to meet Richard.

"Richard." She greeted him perfunctorily.

Richard still feeling enraged, but concealing his agitated state, said, "I wonder if we might have a few moments in private" Mary swallowed and followed his lead to an unoccupied corner of the room.

"I hope you have enjoyed the evening." Mary began innocently.

Richard disregarded her comment, "I had thought I had made myself perfectly clear last evening."

"You did."

"So why do I find myself being made to feel left behind as you banter away with Matthew. I am your fiancé. We are to be married, must you continually make me the fool."

Mary winced. She understood she had hurt him. As much as theirs was a business decision, she knew that marriage entailed a romantic attachment as well and even if she didn't feel one, he obviously did.

"Richard, please understand, my feelings, my attentions to Matthew have no bearing on my commitment to marry you. We have agreed on a partnership and I intend to make good on that."

"Your words are not supported by your actions." He accused. "When I am here at Downton, regardless of Matthew's need for your care, I expect you to defer to me as your fiancé. I do not think that is too much to ask. We are partners, granted, not with the affection others might have in the same circumstance, but I do expect your attentions when I am her with you." Richard felt exposed, but he also felt relief at communicating his feelings clearly.

"Richard, I am sorry. I will endeavor to be more attentive." Mary could say no more. She felt his disappointment and she knew herself to be guilty of his accusations.

But as she said that, she realized she couldn't marry him and she began to fantasize about how she would end it.

**A/N – Reviews greatly appreciated. They really do help. Thanks for reading.**


	5. Mary's Confession

**A/N – Sorry for the delay in writing and posting. I've been rather otherwise engaged with life and haven't had a chance to get back to this until now.**

Mary woke early as she hadn't slept well. She languished in bed, giving a certain focus to the thoughts that had kept her tossing and turning all night; frightful dreams becoming her reality upon awakening. She felt relief that she had resolved to break things off with Richard. But the prevailing thought was the distress she felt about what Richard would now reveal about her character.

She would have to tell her Papa and Matthew about Pamuk first … before Richard did. At least if she did that, they would hear it from her first and that would somewhat soften the eventual the scandal.

Her carefully maintained sense of propriety would be destroyed with her confession. She was not pure, she was scandalous, and she was unworthy. Her one slip in virtue would seal her fate once known. Matthew's certain reaction would mean a change in his regard toward her. She was distraught that Matthew would think her unworthy of his affection even though her rash conduct made it so. She struggled with how she would tell this humiliating tale of her disgrace. Finding no easy approach, she resolved that something would come to her as she warily rose from her bed and rang for Anna.

xxx

As was their morning routine, Mary pushed Matthew around the park at Downton Abbey. There was little conversation this morning. Matthew had pursued various lines of thought with little engagement from Mary. Sensing her mood, Matthew immersed himself in private reflection as Mary continued to push him around the estate.

Eventually, Mary reached their place of solitude, parking Matthew's chair so that it faced their bench. She then walked around to sit on the bench in front of Matthew. As she sat down she began to tremble.

Matthew for the first time this morning observed Mary's distress. Quite concerned, Matthew reached for Mary's hand embracing it and saying in a soothing tone, "Are you quite alright? Whatever is the matter?"

"I… I… I…" she stumbled and paused, battling inwardly. She was distraught and desperately wanted to delay. She would forever change his regard for her, he heart was breaking. She knew she must tell him, yet everything he felt for her, thought of her, would fall away. He would know her to be weak, a ruined woman. He would not want her. He would never again fight for her affections. He was her dearest friend, her only friend and she was about to lose him.

Yet she must, if only to hold onto some point of redemption, he would hear it from her, not from the newspaper. It was an eventuality; her only power over the scandal was to confess.

She had delayed far too long. She resolved and steeled herself.

"Matthew." she said softly and still trembling, "I need to tell you something about me that will change your regard toward me."

"I can hardly think what you could tell me that would alter my opinion." Matthew said assuredly, squeezing her hand that he still held.

"Because you don't know what I have to tell you. Indeed you will despise me, I am very reluctant, but I find I must finally confess a terrible truth."

Mary began the tale…

XXX

Matthew was stunned, unconsciously dropping Mary's hand. He couldn't process what she had told him. It was impossible. Mary would never, she hardly knew him, they had just met, how was it possible? Yet she had just told him the whole sordid mess. It must be true, "But why?"... The words escaped his lips before the thought was fully formed. He looked absolutely confused, stricken with disbelief, discomfort, jealousy, pain.

Mary observed his facial response with self loathing. Oh god, it was worse than she thought, he despised her, of course he didn't understand, who could, she didn't and she was there, she had given her consent.

"I hardly know why, even after all this time, I don't know absolutely. I was foolish, I was reckless, and I was looking for something."

"Did you love him?" Matthew stumbled out, wishing she had, hoping she didn't.

"No, I hardly knew him." She explained shamefully.

"But, I don't understand, then why?" His face was unchanged, unable to formulate an understanding.

"It was lust Matthew or a need for excitement. I don't understand myself. It is not who I am, but yet, it is what I did. I only know for sure that I regret it ever happened." She said sadly.

Matthew continued to struggle with the reality of it. He was at a loss for words.

"I am Tess of the D'Urbervilles to your Angel Clare." She said to break him out of his silence.

"Don't joke, not when I am trying to understand." He scolded.

"Thank you for that." Mary responded.

They sat in silence. Mary dared not say another word, waiting for Matthew to arrive at his judgment.

She was relieved to have unburdened herself, but was terrified of Matthew's response. She hadn't adequately prepared herself for this silence as Matthew processed the information. She longed to know his thoughts, to have them out in the open. But this delayed silence was proving too much.

"Matthew, the sun is shining quite brightly, I should get you indoors." Mary said finally to invoke a response.

"I suppose you are right." Matthew agreed softly as he reached for Mary's hand again. Wrapping his hand around Mary's, his clear blue eyes bored directly into her deep brown eyes and said, "I never would, I never could despise you." He willed her to understand.

Mary was overwhelmed but said simply, "Thank you."

As she began to stand, Matthew connected the dots and holding her hand down said, "Mary wait… is this why you refused to accept me?"

Stunned at his quick analysis, Mary sputtered, "Yes… I couldn't bring myself to tell you and I knew I must to accept you faithfully."

XXX

**A/N – Reviews greatly appreciated. They really do help. Thanks for reading.**


	6. Mary's Revelation

**A/N –Matthew's concern is not focused on Pamuk. Cora proves a challenging yet ultimately supportive force. This is a chapter of understanding and resolve. **

She would have accepted him, if only… Matthew's hand pressed Mary's, encouraging her to settle back down on the bench.

He spoke his thoughts as they occurred to him, "I hardly know what to say, I barely know how I feel. It is one thing to hear this now, when I can't possibly marry you, it is another thing to realize what might have been. I suppose I should be reflecting on how I would have reacted. Would things have been different? Would I have stood by my proposal or would I have rejected you on some moral high ground? That is the question isn't it? … But, you never gave me the choice of deciding." He emptied his thoughts matter of factly, rather like a lawyer organizing the facts and relevant information specific to the case.

Mary groaned, "I am sorry. I was weak. I couldn't bear your rejection, so I didn't give you the choice. I made the decision for both of us." She said regretfully, but was just a bit delighted that Matthew had so quickly dismissed the Pamuk confession for what was obviously the bigger revelation for him; he now knew why Mary hadn't accepted him.

They sat in silence for what seemed a long time.

Matthew struggled. He was elated that he hadn't been wrong; she had wanted to accept him. But he battled with her admission of intimacy with another man. Oh, it hurt, he was overcome with jealousy…. but it was so long ago, they were so different then. He loved her then, but he had been idealistic to a fault, a middleclass prig, really.

He thought that she had been right; he may have withdrawn his proposal on moral high ground. But would he have? He was then and was again now of the opinion that Lady Mary Crawley was his one true love. Would he really have denied her, them? He couldn't despise her now, he couldn't have despised her then, not when his love was so new and full and absolute. No, he was sure, looking back, he would have accepted her, and he would have found a way to accept it.

If she had only told him, they would be married even now. They might even have had a child or two. He was terribly sad. "Mary, I wish you would have told me before." His clear blue eyes focusing softly on her face, "I don't think it would have changed my opinion of you. I would have married you then most happily. I wish I had been able to convey to you the depth of my regard so that you would have felt safe in trusting me."

Mary met his gaze with such wonder and love and sadness. She had let them both down. If only she had had the courage, things would have been so different. They might even now have a child or two.

XXX

With Matthew now resting in his room, Mary focused now on telling her father. As she planned how to approach what would likely be a far less agreeable conversation, she felt her first course of action should be to seek the counsel of her mother. Finding Carson, she asked where she might find her mother at this hour. "Ah, yes, I think you'll find Lady Grantham in her drawing room"

As Mary approached her mother's drawing room, she prepared what she would say. She knew her mother would be very unsettled with the reason why Mary wanted to tell her father the truth about Pamuk and would try to delay or talk her out of it. Her mother felt that Richard was her last chance for marriage and she would fight Mary's decision to break it off with him. She must be mindful of her mother's anxieties on the matter and seek to put them at ease if she hoped to capture her mother's support and guidance.

Upon entering the room, Mary announced herself. "Hello, Mama, I hope I am not disturbing you." Her mother looked up from her stitching, responding in a cheerful voice and a most welcome smile, "Of course not, my darling, I am happy to see you. What pray brings you here? I am not used to your company at this hour. Please sit. I shall ring for tea."

Mary sat on the settee closet to her mother's chair, "I am sorry Mama if I have not made more time to visit with you in the afternoon. I find myself much occupied during my days generally and don't always have the luxury of seeking out your company." Mary paused, feeling somewhat disingenuous, she clarified. "I do have a matter of most importance to discuss with you, I know you will be able to provide the counsel and guidance that I seek." Mary smiled sweetly.

"Well whatever it is, I shall try and do my best to counsel you." Cora said reassuringly as she stood and rang the bell for Carson.

"I know Mama, you always do. I must start at the beginning." She began, "You know when Richard proposed I accepted him because I thought our match to be a good solid partnership. I had few remaining prospects, he was a successful newspaper man who could and would provide for me in the ways in which I believed were important to me and I would provide him the social connection that his new money sought…"

Cora's alarm bells were going off and she interrupted Mary, "Richard is still a good match for you Mary, you do know that." She warned with much anxiety.

As Mary began to respond, Carson entered and anticipating the service said, "Lady Grantham, would you care for tea?"

"Please Carson, for Lady Mary and me. Thank you."

As Carson departed, Mary continued, "I understand that Richard may appear to be a good match for me, but Mama as our relationship has grown, indeed as we have become better acquainted, I believe that although it appears a solid and good match, it is not." Mary noted her mother was on the verge of interrupting again and cutting her off said, "Before you share your concerns, and please let me tell you of my reasons."

"Go on." Cora said impatiently.

"Richard knows about Kemal Pamuk. He knows of my indiscretion and that he died in my bed. He knows because I had to tell him, so he could buy the story from Bates' wife who threatened to sell her story to the highest bidder."

"What? Bates' wife" Cora exclaimed quite excitedly.

"I know, it's a whole other tale, and I don't know all the particulars, except that that is why Bates left so inexplicably, to soothe his wife with his return to her and thereby keep the scandal contained." Mary explained.

They perceived the door opening and Carson entered with tea, serving them most efficiently, he left them forthwith to continue their counsel in private.

Mary sipped her tea taking a moment to gather her thoughts. The whole tale was so sordid, she was glad her mother had at least known about the initial scandal so she could focus on the damage control. She continued, "So I went to Richard and told him the whole tale and he agreed to buy the story from Mrs. Bates."

Cora gulped, her eyes widened, she breathed out, "Oh Mary." She was shocked and was desperately trying to make sense of it all.

"Yes." Mary continued, focusing on getting the tale out so her mother would accept what she intended to do, "He was quite pleased to do so and was very accepting of my slip in morality. He saw it as balancing the nature of our agreement. And he was right. I was quite grateful… But as time has passed, he has come to view his purchase of the story not as something done out of mutual partnership or in protecting his intended wife, but rather as a tool for blackmail.

"No!" Cora exclaimed. "He is blackmailing you? What does he want?"

This was the point at which she might lose her mother's support, so she tread lightly, but with conviction. "Mama, he has threatened me in an effort to control my support of Matthew."

"Mary." Cora began to scold.

"Mama, you don't understand, I had up until this point, intended to marry Sir Richard. But I cannot enter into a lifelong relationship with a man who intends to control my behavior with blackmail. I have done nothing in regards to Matthew that would legitimize a threat, a threat of blackmail. Matthew is my father's heir, the future head of my family and my cousin. He needs support and care and I will not deny him that. Not for Richard, not for anyone. And it is on this point, that I find myself intending to break my agreement with Richard."

"Mary! You cannot do this; Richard is your last chance. You yourself have said Richard will tell your story. It cannot be. You will not receive another prospect." Cora implored.

Mary was stunned. Surely, her mother hadn't fully understood, so she clarified, "Mama, if he intends to use this to control my behavior now, he will use it every time he finds my behavior not to his liking. You cannot want that for me. I will not marry under those circumstances. I would rather be a social outcast. And I do have other options."

Cora was horrified, "What options? There are no other suitors, you story is already out there to a certain degree. This is your chance."

"Well, if this is my chance, I think I'll pass." Mary said resolutely. "Mama, I understand your desire to see me happy and well matched. But there are standards. I have brought disgrace to myself. I do not wish to have to live my life that way, but I would rather live a life of disgrace, then one under another's threat of disgrace. My care of Matthew displeases Richard now, who knows what might displease him later on. Surely, Mama, you must see I cannot live under this predicament."

Cora sighed. She realized the dilemma and as much as she wanted to press Mary to continue with Carlisle, she knew Mary was right. No one should have to live their life under a threat of exposure.

Cora reached for Mary's hands embracing them in her own and said with resolve, "Mary, my darling girl, I would not wish you to live your life under a constant threat. I understand and as much as I want this to be a good match for you, you have presented your case well. You must not marry Richard." Cora paused, her face determined, she continued, "Richard will expose you once you break it off with him and we must prepare our defense. We do have options; you could go to America for instance and stay with my mother. But the first thing we must do is to prepare your Papa."

Mary felt relieved, she had anticipated her mother's recourse, and she smiled sweetly, "Thank you Mama, I was hopeful you would see the right course of action. We must prevail on Papa's sweet nature. Have you any thoughts on how to advise him of my tale and predicament?"

**A/N – Reviews greatly appreciated. They really do help. Thanks for reading.**


	7. Tale Told

**A/N –In which Robert and Richard are brought up to speed. I will endeavor to make this fresh reading. I myself am starting to feel completely full of canon and AU M/M fandom. I realized this today as I found a new story based on canon by a wonderful author, but found myself moving ahead to the real action because I am oversaturated with M/M and AU based canon. Which is perhaps to be expected given my almost not stop immersion in FanFic since the CS viewing in the US. **

**I will finish this Fanfic because writing the characters is a different experience than reading about them, but I know you as the reader have read so many variations on the same scenes, that perhaps we are getting a bit overdone. So that will be my challenge, to make this a fresh playing at the ultimate outcome.**

Cora had settled with Mary that Cora would break the story of Pamuk to Robert. Cora felt complicit in Robert's ignorance and as his wife, she felt it her duty to enlighten him. Mary had been relieved that her mother would be the one to tell her Papa, but Mary knew she would face her father and offer her apologies and ask for his forgiveness.

XXXX

Robert entered Cora's bedroom before dinner, joining his wife as she finished dressing. O'Brien was still there, finishing the final touches to Cora's hair. As Cora acknowledged him, he sat down on the adjacent chair and observed Cora's intimate dialogue with O'Brien. Robert reflected on how uncomfortable he felt about O'Brien; something about her made him suspicious, he felt as though she listened and absorbed every word she heard in a way most indiscrete for a proper ladies maid. But he knew Cora adored her, and as she was her maid, he never let on; instead he monitored and guided conversations in O'Brien's presence so that they were quite innocuous. Unfortunately, Robert didn't appreciate what O'Brien knew or surmised and so she was able to construe much more meaning from their "innocent" conversations that he intended her to. It was likely due to an incorrect discounting of O'Brien intelligence as she was of the serving class.

O'Brien finished and left the room as Cora thanked and dismissed her. Cora then turned to face Robert. "Before we go down, I need to speak to you about something of great importance." She emphasized with a serious yet apprehensive look.

Robert who was still sitting encouraged her by replying, "I believe we have some time."

"Robert, I must tell you a tale that I have kept from you, one that you will find most unpleasant and is indeed why I haven't told you until know. And it will make you angry and disappointed as it should, but please hear me out before you respond." Cora asked quite seriously.

Alarmed, Robert said, "I am glad I am sitting, I do wish that I had a drink in my hand, but nevertheless, please tell me what you have to tell."

"It has to do with Mary, it has to do with her lack of prospects, and it has to do with why she is engaged to Sir Richard." Cora explained, "It is most disagreeable and something of which I am myself am most grieved. I had hoped to never have to share with you, but I realize now that was folly.

"Cora, whatever it is, please get on with it." Richard said impatiently.

"You remember Mr. Pamuk…" Cora told the tale in its entirety, leaving nothing out, including her own role in the charade.

Robert was incredulous. "I have no words; I can't believe Mary would have done such a thing, that you would have done such a thing… what could you have been thinking?"

Cora understood Robert's reaction, but was still annoyed at his response, "What was I thinking… I was thinking that my daughter had made a terrible mistake and it had ended in a most horrific way and that I must do whatever I could do minimize the outcome." Cora's eyes widened and she implored him to understand the urgency and quick thinking the situation had demanded. "I had no choice, no other recourse, Mary is my daughter, and I sought only to set the situation in the best light possible. You would have done the same."

Robert considered and said at length, "I do understand your actions. But, I can't understand why Mary would have allowed such a thing."

"I don't think she understands either… but it is what she did and it is done. And it is why her prospects dried up. There is rumor and speculation in London as to what happened and Mary has and is paying that price."

"I see." Robert said softly, continuing to absorb the shock.

Cora continued, "But that is not all Robert. Mary means to speak with you. But I want to warn you in advance, that Richard knows about this and is attempting to blackmail Mary."

"I knew something was off in their understanding." Robert declared.

"It's a whole other tale, but suffice it to say that because Richard knows, he is and will use it to control Mary's behavior to his liking. We cannot allow her to marry him with that understanding." Cora implored, his eyes wide, encouraging Robert to agree.

Robert stood and took Cora's hands in his guiding her up to a standing position. He placed his arms around her waist as her arms gathered around his neck. He took her lips in his and kissed her sweetly. As they pulled back, Robert said, "My darling, I understand completely, I applaud your strength in supporting Mary and we will find options. Mary must not marry under these circumstances. We can allow her to live a life in that way."

XXXX

As Robert and Cora joined the rest of the family in the drawing room, Cora sought out Mary, catching her eye, Cora raised her eyes communicating to Mary that her father had been told and it was alright. Mary felt relieved.

Dinner proved to be pleasant. Mary was escorted to dinner by Richard and she sat next to him at the table. The conversation was lively and spirited although Robert, Cora, and Mary were all a bit distracted by what was to come, plans to be broken and plans to be made.

Matthew sat on the opposite end of the table, across from Mary. They had interacted as they usually did; stealing glances and sharing private smiles, but both were distracted. Matthew was still absorbing Mary's dalliance with Mr. Pamuk. It didn't change his opinion of Mary, if anything he was more fully desirous of her than he had been in a long time. He was jealous that he had never had the opportunity to make love to Mary.

After dinner and after the men joined the ladies back in the drawing room, Mary sought out Richard. Richard smiled his appreciation as she approached. She looked particularly fine this evening, he beamed with pride at his intended, "You do look lovely this evening Mary. That dress is most flattering."

Mary smiling, replied, "I am glad you think so." Mary was stalling; she wanted to escort Richard to a private place where she could tell Richard of her decision to break off their engagement. She felt reluctance at such a disagreeable task and despite her disgust at his attempt to blackmail her; she did have feelings for Richard and didn't look forward to hurting him. She knew there would never be a right time and it was better to have it done quickly and be past it, then to delay and be consumed by the impending task, resolved she said, "I wonder if we might find a place to talk in private, would you accompany me to Papa's library."

Richard was surprised at the request. He hopefully anticipated that she intended to set a date for their wedding. He replied with a slight smirk, "Of course."

Mary announced their departure to her Mama who nodded her consent. Violet who had been observing everyone's distraction all evening with growing curiosity, said, "I hope I won't be kept in suspense for too much longer." Cora attempted to hush her with a look of impatience.

XXX

Once in the privacy of the library, Mary gathered her strength and turned to face Richard who was uncomfortably close. Mary retreated backwards, bringing a more comfortable space between them.

Richard inquired, "Am I to suppose that we are to discuss our wedding?" he smiled sweetly.

Mary paused in reluctance to begin the unpleasant task, "Yes, well no, I do want to discuss that, but not in the way that you expect."

Richard was alarmed, "Well do tell, in what way do you want to discuss it?"

Mary paused and stumbled to find the words; finally she gathered her composure and said, "Richard, I find that I cannot marry you. I do appreciate all that you have offered me and indeed that you intended to marry in spite of my past indiscretions, but I find after much reflection that we are not well suited after all."

Richard flared in anger. He was a man accustomed to getting his way. His voice rose, he said, "We are not well suited? I dare say you won't find another suitable man willing to marry you."

"That may be, but still, we would not be happy. I cannot make you happy and you would not make me happy. We cannot be married, it would be disastrous. Surely you must see that." Mary implored in a soothing tone, seeking to ease his anger.

"After all I have done for you?" He raged. "I buy your filthy scandal; I keep it from the newspapers. Newspapers that I own, newspapers that would profit greatly from a scandal about the great Earl of Grantham's eldest daughter exploits…."

"There it is. Don't you see, we could never make each happy. Yes, you bought the scandal, but you have and will use it to your own profit... to control me with threat of exposure. I cannot live under those terms. I would rather brave the storm."

Just then Robert entered the room, followed by Matthew pushing his own chair. "What is the meaning of this?" Robert stepped between Richard and Mary.

Richard steeled, gathering himself and refocusing his anger at Robert, "There you are, the great Earl of Grantham, what say you to exposing your eldest daughter and her filthy scandal?"

Robert smirked meeting Richard's eyes with disgust. "I say it is better for her to live with the scandal known than to live with the constant threat that it may be revealed."

"So you know." Richard replied wryly, it was not a question, but a revelation. "I wonder if you appreciate the full brunt of what this will mean to your impeccable reputation."

"I do and I can't pretend it will be pleasant, but given the choice, it is the path I support for Mary."

Violet now entered the room unable to resist the obvious drama playing out in her son's library. Moving toward Mary's side, she quickly surmised the situation. She took Mary's hand in hers and squeezed it, giving her support.

Richard was undeterred by Violet's presence as he next fixed his anger at Matthew who although constrained in his chair was openly throwing daggers at Richard with a hardened glare. "And you, wounded war hero, heir, beloved cousin, and previous suitor. You are not innocent in this. Do you think for one second that if you had pushed Mary away in the same way that you discarded sweet Lavinia, that Mary would be dismissing me? Surely you can't be blind to Mary's attachment to you."

Matthew sneered, desperately wishing he could knock Richard flat, his voiced raised, Matthew shouted, "This is not about me, this is not about Mary and me, this is about you and your effort to use Mary's indiscretion to your own means. Do not make excuses; do not deflect your contribution to this end."

The drama paused as all had said what could be said.

Robert sought to take charge as the electricity in the room dimmed, "What time shall I ask for the car in the morning Sir Richard?"

"7:00." Richard said as he turned and walked out of the room.

All were silent gathering their thoughts, as Violet mumbled, squeezing Mary's hand anew, "So the tale is known and redemption can commence."

**A/N – Reviews greatly appreciated. They really do help. Thanks for reading.**


	8. Options

**A/N –So Mary is free. Matthew is still wounded, but with Lavinia and Richard out of the way will Matthew pull away from Mary lest they become too attached? I think we may divert a bit from Canon. It is AU after all.**

Mary woke with a great anticipation for the day and for her future; she was happy to be free from Richard, she did not wish him ill will, but she knew without reservation that she had made the right decision for both of them, even if he didn't think so now. She had thought about seeing Richard off this morning, but thought better of it. What would it accomplish? In time she knew he would see she was right. She wasn't foolish enough to believe that he wouldn't publish. In fact, she fully expected him too and was resolved to explore her options given that eventuality. But now that both her parents and Matthew were aware of his indiscretion, she felt she had faced the worst of it. After all this time and after the war had changed her and the world, she found she was really only concerned about those she most cared about. So it was done, she was relieved. Now she could plan her future without concern about hiding her past.

After she was dressed and with happy thoughts, Mary bounded down to Matthew's room to escort him to breakfast. As Matthew was righted in his chair and Bates left, Mary made to Matthew to take him into in the dining room. "Mary" Matthew said to pause her movement, "I wonder if we might take a moment."

Mary surprised, responded, "Do you need something, is everything alright?"

"Yes, yes, everything's quite alright. Would you mind taking a seat? I'd like to talk with you in private." Matthew said indicating that Mary should sit in the chair opposite him.

"That was quite a scene last night. I hope you didn't mind my pushing in, but like your father, I was rather alarmed at Richard's tone of voice and wanted to be of support to you. Was that right of me? Matthew queried.

Mary paused, not expecting Matthew's line of thought, but appreciating it all the same. "I am sorry to have been the cause of such discomfort for all of us. It was best that I tell Richard as soon as possible once I had arrived at my decision. I expected him to be upset if only because he wasn't expecting my change in heart, but he was angrier than I anticipated. I think it was right of Papa and you and Grandmamma to help break the tension, even if it didn't feel right at the time. I don't suppose there is a pleasant way to break one's engagement." Mary elaborated, happy to put her thoughts into words.

"I suppose Richard's threats and accusations only reinforced that you made the right decision. One shouldn't be thinking of their fiancé in such dreadful terms." Matthew mused, gazing softly at Mary.

"I agree." Mary continued her reflection, "I heard no declarations of love or regret only continued threats, which is how he came to view me in the end…. Someone who was so disgraced that only threats of exposure could contain. Richard is an intelligent man. I have no doubt that he will examine our relationship and where his eventual feelings about me took him. He will realize that we wouldn't have been happy. Can someone by happy, fulfilled with someone they have coerced into a marriage?" Mary smiled ruefully.

"You made the right choice Mary. Do you think he will still publish?"

Pausing, Mary responded, "I do. He is a newspaper man first. This story will sell newspapers. He will find the right time and he will publish. Perhaps as punishment for my disappointing him, but I think more likely because it will sell newspapers."

"I am sorry. Please know you will always have my support." Matthew paused, reaching for Mary's hand and squeezing it gently, reinforced, "Always." He smiled affectionately.

Mary was heartened, "Thank you for that." She smiled tenderly. "Were it not for your support and that of my family, I am sure I would not be able to face it. Shall we go into breakfast?" She said as she rose to escort Matthew to the dining room.

XXX

"Ah there you are Mary." Robert exclaimed as Mary joined him in his library as he had requested.

Mary was contrite and blurted out before her father could say more, "Papa, I know I should have told you myself, but Mama was so insistent that she should be the one, I didn't feel like I should further displease either you or her by disobeying her wishes."

Robert closed the distance between he and his eldest daughter and embraced her. "Mary, I wish you hadn't made the choice that you did. But you did, and it is in the past, and I forgive you." Robert tightened his embrace.

Tears sprang to Mary's eyes at her father's tender embrace and forgiveness. She didn't deserve this; he was too good to her. She hugged him tight and then released his embrace saying "Thank you Papa, I don't deserve it."

"Indeed you do deserve it my darling Mary. I feel I have let you down. You should have felt comfortable coming to me a great deal sooner, rather than find yourself in that predicament with Sir Richard. It is unconscionable that he should feel he could blackmail you. I am only grateful that we raised a daughter to be so resolute, so brave. You are brave Mary, an example to us all. You make me proud."

"Papa, please! Do not extol my virtues extending from disgraceful choices. I am so sorry." Mary rebuffed his praise humbly.

Robert regarded his daughter in awe. He really couldn't be more proud of her sensibilities. Yes, she had made a terrible mistake, but she willing to take full responsibility for her actions and would not allow deflections from her poor choices.

"We should discuss options." Robert said changing course, "In the event Richard publishes."

"Yes. I have some thoughts on that." Mary responded happy to have her father's forgiveness and not wanting to dwell on any character appraisals, especially when high praise is being given for such disgraceful choices. She did not deserve it. Much heartache was still to come from her poor choices, now was not the time to rejoice.

"Your mother and I feel that should Richard publish, you should consider a visit to your Grandmamma in America. The news would be much less newsworthy and your stature as my daughter and your grandmother's family connections would cushion the response. Indeed, you may be quite protected there. America has a rather more forgiving society. You might even find a good match there in spite of the news." Robert explained.

"I agree." Mary said, glad that her parents were on the same line of thinking. "Perhaps, I should plan to go in anticipation of Richard's publishing." Mary queried.

Robert considered, "I don't know if we need to be hasty. We could secure passage quickly should the need arise. You may want to write to her and let her know of your intent, but leave your departure date somewhat uncertain, to give yourself options."

"Options we should secure. I will write to Grandmamma immediately and inquire as to when I might visit." Mary said relieved. This was a potential salvation from all she possibly faced from English society and as everything was out in the open now, she felt relief at hatching a good plan.

XXX

As Mary pushed Matthew around enjoying the beautiful sunny and cloudless day, Matthew broke their separate thoughts, "So you made peace with your father?"

"I did. He was very forgiving and supportive. I don't deserve it, but am much pleased." Mary responded joyfully. "I am quite at peace. I wonder if I should have anticipated his support before and not allowed my anguish to go on as such for as great a length." She mused, "But war changes things and so much time has passed that perhaps he can reflect on it now as a past grievance and not to be dwelt on." She finished her thought.

"Perhaps…" Matthew affirmed, but added, "You may not fully appreciate that we all have things we have done, that we need forgiveness for. Mary, surely, you know you are not alone in making choices that you regret."

"Indeed, but as poor choices go, my choice rates pretty high." Mary said remorsefully as they reached their bench. Mary secured Matthew's chair and made her way to sit opposite him on the bench.

"We made a plan for me to go to America and visit my Grandmamma should Richard publish." Mary answered the unasked question.

Matthew considered, "America?"

"Yes, her family connections and indeed America's relaxed opinions on such "behavior" may make it a more agreeable place for me to be." Mary explained.

"When would you go, for how long?" Matthew said softly already missing Mary.

"I don't know. Perhaps I could find a match there. The scandal would be more acceptable. My prospects would be greater." Mary said rationally, noting Matthew's change in enthusiasm.

"Indeed." Matthew acknowledged softly.

Mary became aware of Matthew's discomfort at the moment that he became aware that he was displaying it. Mary's heart began to beat faster as Matthew sought to cover his revelation.

"I do want you to find happiness. A husband who would love you and care for you." Matthew said quickly to cover his potential admission.

Mary, who had nothing to lose, said freely, "Of course, it goes without saying that I'd much rather stay here at Downton." She encouragingly gazed at Matthew.

Matthew stumbled. He didn't want her to go, but he had nothing to offer her, not in the way that he would prefer. He couldn't marry her; he had nothing to give a proper wife. But he loved her and couldn't imagine not being able to see her regularly… daily. Lamely but resolutely, he said, "You'd always have a place here as long as I lived. I'd take care of you."

Mary was disappointed but heartened at his offer, "Thank you Matthew for another option. I've said it before and I know you don't want to hear it, but I'd be happy to be with you under any circumstance. But, let us let it lie, no decisions need to be made. For now, let's be happy that all is known and we can now settle things in the open."

**A/N – Reviews greatly appreciated. They really do help. Thanks for reading.**


	9. Healed

**A/N – Matthew has been unwell for some time, but as we know he heals… Dr. Clarkson may find a bit more hostility in AU for his incorrect prognosis than in found in Canon. I think you may find this rather cathartic.**

Matthew awoke hesitantly as the daylight streamed more fully into his bedroom. He held to a pleasant dream. A loving embrace and tender words. He was not wounded; indeed he held Mary in a tight embrace sharing a passionate kiss, pressing her eagerly against a door jam. It was quite exquisite. His body was tensed in longing and desire and he was standing… he was standing. It was quite erotic and he was aroused. He was aroused… he felt aroused.

He woke fully. Was it the dream he was recalling? Or was he actually aroused, not in his mind, but in his body, where one normally associates arousal? He couldn't distinguish. He felt below his waist and registered nothing physical; he tried to concentrate on moving his right, then his left leg. Nothing. But he felt it, he was sure, and then he was unsure.

XXX

As the family was gathered in the drawing room waiting for dinner, Matthew was seated next to his mother as she shared news from a letter she had received from a dear friend in Manchester. "So Lucy will be married after all, you can imagine how pleased her mother and father are for her happiness." Isobel said trying to rally her son from his apparent distraction. "Matthew, did you hear what I said?"

"Yes, Lucy, wonderful news." Matthew broke from his inner dialogue. "She was always such a sweet child, I am happy for her, for her family, please send my regards."

"Indeed. I will happily. Are you quite alright?" Isobel inquired.

"I am, just a bit distracted. I am sorry." Matthew smiled warmly at his mother.

He was indeed distracted as he had been admiring Mary from across the room. Her silk dress highlighted her curves while accentuating her trim figure. And again, he felt a welcome arousal that wasn't entirely in his head. Or was it? For the second time today, he thought he was experiencing a physical reaction to erotic feelings in a way that he hadn't since his injuries.

XXX

At dinner, Mary was seated next to Matthew as was the usual arrangement these days when only family was present. Mary and Matthew engaged in their own private conversation, but made an effort to pay some attention to the overall conversational direction of the table so as not to be too inclusive. But both preferred each other's company so much, so it was a task they both worked hard to master.

As they bantered back and forth, Matthew's tenderness toward Mary increased to such an extent that he reached for her hand underneath the table.

Mary was pleasantly surprised at this unexpected affection and squeezed Matthew's hand in response.

Matthew felt aroused again. He was enjoying this, even if only a ghost response, he felt invigorated. It was an exquisite joy to feel this way. He realized he was testing the response and that was why he had reached out to Mary. Could he bring it about, could his actions drive the response? Indeed, he was becoming surer that it was something he could summon at will. It was exhilarating even if it wasn't actually physical. But he wondered why was he feeling it now? He hadn't felt it before. Surely he had felt longing and desire, but not arousal, not in this way, it was outside of his mind, outside of the functioning part of his body, he felt it below – although nothing physical had confirmed it. Still it was new. He was resolved to keep testing this new feeling.

"What?" Mary said quizzically, enjoying this intimacy with Matthew.

"Nothing, it's nothing. Just you look beautiful tonight and I am so thankful for you care and support." Matthew smiled meaningfully. He pressed Mary's hand in emphasis.

"I appreciate your appreciation." Mary teased, her heart warmed. Something was different in Matthew. She felt caressed, adored even. It was a wonderful feeling. Was there some hope after all?

XXX

As Bates helped Matthew into his bed, Matthew said, "May I ask you something?"

"Of course." Bates replied efficiently.

"If I've had recent feelings… physical and yet not physical, but something I haven't felt since, well, since my injuries, do you think there might be anything to that?"

"I'm not sure what you mean, Sir. Certainly any change should be discussed with Dr. Clarkson." Bates answered assuredly.

"But I'm not sure of the feelings, but still there is something and I seem to be able to conjure the feelings at will." Matthew elaborated.

"You should wait and see. If it continues or develops, I would advise you to consult with Dr. Clarkson for his professional opinion."

"Of course you are right." Matthew responded unsure that Dr. Clarkson should be the one to consult. Perhaps I'll explore these sensations on my own for now he thought.

XXX

Matthew had joined his mother and Cousin Violet for tea in the drawing room at Downton. Violet was quite keen on assessing Matthew's state of mind especially where Mary was concerned now that she was unattached. Matthew had invited his mother to help him manage the expected inquiry.

"I am so glad to have this time with you Matthew. It is so rarely that you are on your own. I feel I have quite lost touch with your recovery. How are you getting on with your healing?"

"Thank you for your inquiry. It is a slow process indeed, but I find that I am getting better by the day."

"Indeed Matthew had been spending a great of time with Robert learning the business of Downton. They are covering much lost ground." Isobel added.

"That is good news indeed." Violet commended. "And Mary seems to be taking care to ensure your quick recovery?" she queried.

"Mary had been a wonder. She takes great care and I am most appreciative of her attention." Matthew replied sincerely.

"Yes, I've noticed. She is quite committed in that regard." Violet sighed. "I wonder where the tea is." Violet stood and as she made way to the bell her cane caught on the upturned rug and she tripped. Matthew broke her fall catching her by the waist and pulling her upright.

"Thank you." Violet breathed out, grateful she had not fallen.

"Matthew!" Isobel exclaimed wildly as Matthew realized he was standing; that was how he was able to break Violet fall.

XXX

Dr. Clarkson finished examining Matthew in his room with Isobel, Robert, Mary and Bates standing by.

"It appears that my original prognosis was wrong and that your spine has not been transected. I feel your injury is much less grave and rather due to spinal trauma and bruising that will heal. You will walk again with proper physical therapy." Clarkson declared and smiled broadly at the pleasant turn of events.

"Matthew!" Mary and Isobel exclaimed in unison, both deliriously happy at the good news.

Robert though ecstatic was outraged and rebuked Clarkson, "While this is good news indeed, I wonder that your prognosis was so wrong? Please explain yourself sir!"

Clarkson unaccustomed to such reproach and secure in his professional stance, answered coolly, "I did have a second opinion that differed from mine, but I felt secure in my prognosis and felt that should the spine be transected it was best to not provide false hope in the event that Mr. Crawley's spine had indeed been permanently damaged."

"Is that your place? To decide what is best in terms of managing a patient's hope? I think you have rather disregarded your professional duty. Surely Matthew should have been made aware that all was not necessarily lost. It is your place to take away a patient's hope for his future. Do you understand the damage you have done, the suffering your sole decision had wrought?" Robert raged.

"I am sorry you feel that way." Clarkson demurred, "I certainly meant no harm, only to set a course which I deemed the most likely outcome. Surely, had his spine been indeed transected, it would have served no purpose for Mr. Crawley to hold out hope that his spine would recover. Isn't this a better outcome?" Dr. Clarkson defended.

Isobel sought to break the tension, "Surely, we will need to discuss this further. But for now, let's rejoice in Matthew's new prognosis."

Mary echoed the sentiment seeking clarity in Dr. Clarkson's examination, "Matthew will walk again, he will regain all of previous physical limitations?" she clarified.

"Indeed, he will. He will likely retain bruising and some discomfort, but he should make a full recovery." Dr. Clarkson confirmed.

Matthew who had until this point been silent, rejoiced, "This is good news indeed!"

Mary could not contain her joy; she bent down to Matthew's chair placing her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek, exclaimed "I am so happy for you!"

Matthew overcome with his new found life, turned his head displacing Mary's kiss from his cheek to his lips, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close, with tears streaming down his face, he corrected, "I am so happy for us!"

**A/N – Reviews greatly appreciated. They really do help. Thanks for reading.**


	10. Road to Recovery

**A/N – Matthew is healed.**

Mary woke with much anticipation for the day; rather for the future. Matthew had recovered, he would walk again. He would have a full life, a complete life. He had kissed her; he had said "I am so happy for us." She was beyond ecstatic. She bounded out of bed, ringing the bell for Anna. Looking at the bedside clock, she noted it was 7:10 am, plenty of time to prepare herself and gather Matthew for breakfast.

She paused, their routine might be different now, and Matthew might want some independence. She regarded, yes eventually. But not today, his muscles weren't able to support him fully yet… he would need time and physical therapy to help him to get around on his own.

XXX

Matthew woke happier than he had been in such a long, long time. He recalled the previous day's events. He would recover. He would walk again. He would have a full life. He thought of Mary. God, Mary! He ached with arousal. He could, no he would be her lover. He fantasized, recalling one and all of his dreams of holding her, making love to her. It was too much, it would happen! He was overcome with emotion and tears pooled in his eyes. He felt his arousal, a physical arousal; he reached below his waist confirming for himself what his mind was communicating, that he was physically aroused. He felt the proof and his mind soared with happiness. It was one thing to hear a doctor declare he was recovered; it was another to feel the recovery.

Feeling empowered, Matthew focused his mind on moving his right leg and his leg responded, encouraged he focused on the left and it responded as well. Of what fun, who knew making one's own legs move at will could be such a source of joy. He playfully bent one knee and then the other repeating the rhythm over and over again until he satisfied himself that it wasn't an illusion.

Once satisfied that all would be well. Matthew reached behind to the wall and rang for Bates.

XXX

Mary arrived at Matthew's room just as Bates had finished assisting Matthew's morning routine. She had knocked on the door as Bates was leaving. Entering the room with an enormous smile, she viewed Matthew standing with the aid of a cane.

"Good morning" she greeted warmly, her smile broad and her eyes gleaming.

Matthew stood aided by his stick smiling brilliantly at Mary, "Indeed, it is a good morning!"

"I see your recovery is making great strides."

"Indeed." Matthew beamed. I don't think I can stand too much longer, but I wanted to challenge myself. You see my chair is close at hand." And with that, Matthew made to sit in his chair.

"Bravo! In no time you will be right as rain. You'll see." Mary smiled brightly.

As Matthew sat down and made himself comfortable in his chair, he regarded Mary. How beautiful she looked, how loyal she had been, God, he loved her. He smiled brilliantly. "Mary, you are so far away, please come and sit by me." He said as he indicated a chair close to his for her to sit.

"This is better." She said beaming as she sat in the chair next to Matthew. "I am so happy. It is a dream… better than a dream, it is to be! I hardly dared wish. And now you are healed, I am so happy for you… for us", She said hesitantly, not wanting to be too forward, but daring to echo his words from the previous evening.

"Yes for us." Matthew reassured, looking at Mary open mouthed and with gleaming eyes, "for us." He repeated.

With Matthew's reassurance, Mary instinctively leaned in closer to Matthew's face. Matthew responded inching closer to Mary. The atmosphere was thick and anticipatory, Mary swallowed as she gazed intently at Matthew, noting his darkened eyes that were focusing on her mouth. In an instant, his hands reached forward, resting softly on her cheeks pulling her lips to his. His lips covered hers and he kissed her deeply, passionately. She moaned softly in response, engaging her lips fully to Matthew's lead. They kissed for a full minute, before breaking for breath. Matthew still held Mary's face in his hands, sighing softly; he breathed "I love you Mary."

Mary was overjoyed, responding instantaneously, "I love you Matthew, I can hardly remember a time when I didn't."

Matthew responded by engaging her lips again, this time he opened his mouth reaching his tongue in between her lips, encouraging her to respond, and when she did, his tongue found hers and together they danced in joy and wonder.

They continued kissing for some time, relishing their new found joy and embracing their declared love. Neither could believe the complete reversal of fortune; the future that now lay before them. Their shared love was not a surprise, although, it was wonderful to have it declared; now their love could now be experienced without compromise of body, without limitation.

Finally, they pulled apart satiated for the moment. As they gazed at each other, both trying to recover their rapid heartbeats, Mary said, "Perhaps, we should go to breakfast."

XXX

Matthew's physical rehabilitation had been prescribed by Dr. Clarkson and with the aid of some well practiced nurses had been going quite well. In the span of two weeks' time, Matthew was walking albeit with the aid of a cane, which he affectionately called "a stick."

Mary as was to be expected given her previous commitment to Matthew's healing was nearly constantly at his side, providing encouragement and opportunity for him to stretch his legs. They took walks in the park at Downton, Matthew walking with his stick and Mary at his side, ready to lend her arm, if need be.

Their conversations were lively as ever, teasing and challenging each other in shared interests. Their banter continued to encourage their mutual understanding and love. They became inseparable, each despising when they had to withdraw from each other at the end of the evening.

Robert and Cora and Isobel delightedly became increasingly aware of their mutual devotion and began to wonder at what point Matthew and Mary might come to an official understanding. All worried that the threat of Carlisle might be keeping an official understanding off limits.

At the end of two weeks of rehabilitation Matthew was doing so well, it was determined that he should be moved to Crawley House.

XXX

Matthew came down for breakfast joining his mother at Crawley House. It was still a fresh pleasure for Isobel to have Matthew at home as it had only been a few days.

"Good Morning Matthew!" Isobel beamed as Matthew took a seat at the table.

"Good Morning, indeed!" Matthew responded matching his mother's enthusiasm.

"And how are you?" Isobel inquired.

"Better than ever, looking forward to today's exercises." Matthew responded enthusiastically.

"Good! I am so pleased with your progress." Isobel smiled intently.

"Mother, I do want to talk with you about something rather important." Matthew said earnestly.

"Of course, what is on your mind?"

Matthew swallowed, "Mother, you must know how much I care for Mary. Indeed, I love her. I can't imagine my life without her…"

"Matthew, yes, I can see that, anyone can see that, you adore her absolutely." Isobel said sweetly, but a little impatiently.

"Of course." Matthew blushed with embarrassment. "I suppose it is rather obvious. But you see, the thing I want to discuss with you is that I intend to ask Mary to be my wife." Matthew said resolutely.

"I am not surprised, and am very, very pleased. She loves you very much and I know how much you love her. You will be very happy and that makes me very happy." Isobel beamed.

Matthew acknowledged, still embarrassed "I dare say, we have been very transparent with our feelings. That is good I suppose. No one should be shocked. The thing I wanted to discuss though, is that I would like to give Mary the ring that my father gave you."

Isobel was overcome with emotion. Of course, that was as it should be, choking back her emotion, Isobel said, "Of course Matthew that is how it should be. I am so honored that you would ask." Isobel's joyful tears streamed down her face.

Matthew concerned, handed his mother his handkerchief, "It is only that you loved each other so much, much in the same way I love Mary… I thought it would be a guarantee." Matthew studied his mother's face for a response.

"Of course, it is right, it is as it should be, my darling boy, I am so glad you have found a love such as I did." Isobel tearfully exclaimed.

**A/N – Reviews greatly appreciated. They really do help. Thanks for reading. Thanks to all who have favorited, alerted, but please also give it a review and let me know what you liked or not.**


	11. The Proposal

**A/N – Matthew intends to formalize his understanding with Mary.**

**Comment to Willa Dedalus – thank you for your review, it's so helpful and stimulating to see how others are receiving one's story. On your comment that Matthew calling his cane "a stick" isn't affectionate. I was definitely of that opinion in canon since Matthew projects Mary as his stick, as in "you are my stick." This is why I interpret "stick" as affectionate, but would love for you to elaborate on your interpretation and more importantly how I misinterpreted this. Also, Matthew never offered the ring to Lavinia because his love for her was never the same as his love for Mary; never on the same level that he viewed his parents love for one another. **

Matthew had settled a meeting with Robert after finishing with his morning's physical therapy. They had decided to share a private luncheon in Robert's library so they would have as much time as possible. Robert has some business matters related to Downton that he wanted to discuss with Matthew and Robert was anxious to hear what Matthew wanted to share with him.

Matthew had arrived and was seated across from Robert at a small table that had been set for luncheon. As Carson finished serving their plates, he inquired in his efficient baritone, "Will that be all my lord?"

"Yes, Carson, I'll ring if we require anything else." Robert said dismissing him.

As Carson left, Robert turned his gaze to Matthew saying, "Let's talk while we eat."

"Thank you for making time for me today on such short notice." Matthew said as he cut into his cutlet.

"Of course, I have a few matters to discuss with you as well, so we can make the most of our time together."

"Should we discuss your matters first?" Matthew inquired, taking a bite of his food. Hoping Robert would be curious enough to know Matthew's interest first.

"Well, I think that since you called this meeting, I should rather hear what you have to share first." Robert responded inquiringly.

Matthew was relieved, but nervous. He mustered his courage and began, "Robert, I am sure it has not gone unnoticed that Mary and I are quite close. She has been my most important ally as I faced the worst of my injury; she cared for me, lent a sympathetic ear and a warm smile as she encouraged me to see what I still had to offer. Her friendship, indeed her love, kept me alive, kept me sane." Matthew paused gathering his emotions that now threatened to overcome him. After composing himself, he continued, "And now that my injury is recovered, that I am walking again, that I have regained all of my body, I cannot imagine a life without her, I love her deeply." Matthew paused… "I would like your both your permission and blessing to ask for her hand in marriage." Matthew finished as his emotions got the better of him as tears welled up in his eyes. He quickly wiped them away and looked earnestly at Robert for his response.

Robert was overcome with emotion as well, he had observed Matthew and Mary's regard for one another and indeed he had recognized it as a deep mutual love, but Matthew's declaration made Robert's heart swell. He stood and made his way around the table to Matthew. Matthew stood in response. Robert 's arms reached around Matthew's shoulders pulling him close and embracing him. As Robert pulled away, he gave his blessing. "Well said Matthew, I, indeed, we all, have witnessed your love for Mary and her love for you. It has been my greatest hope that you would find your way to each other again and happily you have. You have my permission and my blessing Matthew. You and Mary will have a happy marriage indeed. I am so pleased." Robert beamed.

Matthew was overjoyed. To now have Robert's blessing along with his mother's made it almost seem real. He was going to marry Mary and he was going to be so happy. He didn't deserve such happiness. Of course, he still needed to ask Mary and that was the most important inquiry in the process, but having overcome these initial steps encouraged him greatly. This reversal of fortune was almost too much to take in.

Robert and Matthew sat back down and continued their luncheon covering broadly Robert's agenda, but both were so pre-occupied with Matthew's news, they didn't cover half of the business of Downton that Robert had intended.

XXX

Later in the day, Mary accompanied Matthew on a walk across the grounds at Downton. This time and for the first time, Matthew accepted Mary's hand to brace his walk without the aid of his stick. Their conversation was as usual, pleasant banter and discussion filling their comfortable walk. After some time, they reached their usual ending at their bench beneath the ancient cedar. They sat together in close proximity; their shoulders touching, their legs reaching toward each other. As they sat, silently enjoying each other's company, Matthew moved his body more decidedly closer and turned his head toward Mary and as he did so, he reached for Mary's left hand taking it in his right hand. Mary smiled broadly, giving up her hand and gazing inquiringly at Matthew.

Matthew began, "I wonder where we might be now, if you had accepted me? We would likely have a child or two even; we might be even now be expecting another child. I think we've wasted many years." He paused gathering his thoughts, he continued, "I don't want to waste another second. Mary, I love you. I know you love me. I want to spend my life by your side, I want to love you all of my days, and I want to be your lover, your confident, your best friend."

Mary's heart soared, was this it? I am to get a second chance? Her face conveyed a mix of joyful anticipation and inquiry as she moved even closer to Matthew.

He continued, "I've secured your father's blessing." Matthew paused, gathering his resolve, he said, "Lady Mary Crawley I love you with all my heart, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Matthew smiled widely, his face radiating joyful anticipation, his blue eyes fixed on Mary.

Mary began to cry. Matthew's words were so beautiful, was it true, her heart beat wildly. Softly crying, her face joyful, Mary responded, "Oh Matthew, I hardly know what I have done to deserve this, to deserve you. I love you. I always have. Yes! Yes, I'll marry you! I love you, my darling!"

Matthew's hands moved to embrace Mary's cheeks and pulling her towards him, finding her lips, he placed his own over hers and kissed her deeply, passionately.

Eventually, they broke away for breath. Matthew reluctantly pulled back from Mary's embrace. He reached into his jacket pocket and produced a small leather box. Opening it, it revealed a simple platinum band securing a beautiful blue sapphire encircled by diamonds. Taking it out of the box, Matthew presented it to Mary.

"My father gave it to my mother. It was her engagement ring. I hope you like it. It's just that they loved each other so much. I felt it had a grand tradition and reflected the love that we share." Matthew said as he held his breath, holding the ring toward Mary, his blue eyes full of love and anticipation, searching hers for a response.

Mary didn't disappoint, her deep brown eyes sparkled their understanding, she said, "It's beautiful! It's perfect Matthew!" she exclaimed, as she covered her mouth with one hand to stifle her sobs.

Beaming with love and adoration, Matthew took Mary's left hand in his and made quick work of sliding the ring on Mary's ring finger. It fit like a glove.

"I took the liberty of having it sized. Anna told me." He explained.

"Oh Matthew, I love it. I love you, my darling." She said as she gazed at her newly adorned hand, she looked back at Matthew, her face trembling with happiness.

They embraced again, their lips finding each other's, kissing deeply, passionately. Never had either been so happy or complete in all of their lives.

**A/N – Reviews greatly appreciated. They really do help. Thanks for reading. Thanks to all who have favorited, alerted, but please also give it a review and let me know what you liked or not.**


	12. Epilogue

**A/N – Epilogue. Oh and I have been remiss. I own nothing. DA belongs to JF.**

**So I think the story is quite finished. I have a little epilogue here, not sure where it will take me only that I don't want to do a wedding, wedding night or a discovered expectancy of child… **

**To Willa Dedalus: do you know you don't allow private messaging? Thank you for your response. I had not recalled "the damn stick" reference – likely because Lavinia was swept out so early, so I understand your comment and I see my error in positioning it as affectionate – as neither reference in canon is relevant to this AU.**

**On the ring, it never occurred to Matthew to give it to Lavinia and as he never had the reference point to which he was going to give it to Mary, I don't think we can speculate that that should have given him a clue that his feeling weren't up to snuff. Although, I think he always knew Lavinia was no Mary in his heart, he just wouldn't let himself go there with Lavinia in the picture. He was quite happy to be ignorant in order to maintain the world he had created. **

June 2, 1953 – Grantham House, London

Matthew sat in a comfortable chair in his wife's room patiently waiting for her to finish dressing for their attendance at Queen Elizabeth II's coronation at Westminster Abbey. They had been in the city for the last week attending festivities for the great event and Matthew knew Mary wanted to look just right.

Even so, he had been waiting for nearly half and hour and he knew the hour was approaching where they would have difficulty navigating the streets of London and get to the Abbey in time to be properly seated. With that in mind, Matthew prodded his wife, "Mary, you do look splendid, I dare say you alone will warrant a page in the society section. I don't want the Queen to find displeasure with our family." he teased.

"Oh Matthew, really! I wouldn't dare. And in any case, I am ready." Mary said as she turned to face Matthew and he could do nothing but gape opened mouthed at how beautiful and regal his wife looked.

"I take it you approve?" She teased noting his familiar response.

"Thank you Helen." Mary said dismissing her maid.

As Helen left, Matthew rose and closed the distance between he and Mary. He gathered Mary gently in his arms so as not to upset her finishing touches. Nuzzling his lips against her cheeks, he moved down to her neck and finally finding her ear, he whispered, "My darling Mary, you are a vision, I love you."

Mary's heart pounded in response and a familiar fire began deep within in her, but noting the solemnity of the event they were to attend, Mary pulled away admonishing Matthew. "Please darling, you know how easily I can be carried away. I will take a rain check on your charms." She said seductively sporting a wicked smiled for emphasis.

Matthew groaned as he released his wife. "After you." Matthew said reluctantly, as he stepped aside for Mary to lead the way.

Once downstairs, they greeted their gathered children; Reginald, Robert, Violet, and Margaret, together with their respective spouses and adoring grandchildren, Katherine, Mary, and Edward.

Matthew beamed at Mary. To have such a gathering these days was rare indeed as their children had scattered, and as much as he was reluctant to sit through the stiffness of today's events, he was happy to have this occasion so they could all be together.

Mary glided next to Matthew and it was her turn to whisper, placing her lips close to Matthew's ear, she said, "My darling Matthew, this is my vision, I love you."

**A/N – Reviews greatly appreciated. They really do help. Thanks for reading. Thanks to all who have favorited, alerted, but please also give it a review and let me know what you liked or not.**


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